I would like to turn the "bloglight"( a word I am convinced I just made up and am blogging just to use) on technology. Now before you get worried I am not going to turn this post into some rant about how at the root of all evil lies computers and microwaves. I just wanted to talk a little about how technology is ruining the world! Or at least my world! I figure I will share a quick anecdote and then you all can chime in, because I know I am not the only one being drawn in by the iridescent glow of a laptop night after night!
I will start with the most recent and most frustrating level of dependence on a inanimate shiny object. The cell phone! After having recently misplaced my phone for a 24 hour period I can say without a moment of sarcasm it was like losing a loved one. I was frustrated all day! The only people I could talk to where my grandparents because they are the only one's who #1 Have a land line #2 Have had the same phone number my whole life so it is the only one I know anymore! When I realized it really was gone I literally went through the stages of grief:
Denial - It's here, I know it's here. I will have someone call it over and over so I can here it ring and we will be reunited.
Anger- Think, Jan, THINK, stupid phone, I don't need you! What have you ever done for me! Bargaining - I didn't mean it. I love you! You are such a good phone! You keep me in touch with old friends, you let me check scores, you get me movie times. If you come home I will buy you all the accessories you want. You want a a blue tooth you can have it, you want unlimited text messaging, done! You want a belt clip so that I can awkwardly attach you to my pants and we will never be separated again, it's yours!!
Depression - It's really gone, I don't want to go out, I am not leaving the couch. I am ordering a pizza...CRAP I can't!
Acceptance - All I have to do is get on line to order a new one. I will have to send out an e-mail to everyone I know to get phone numbers. I can use the phone at work. I will have to download new ringtones, those sweet texts I had saved where enjoyed when they were received some people don't even have that.
And such is the way with acceptance, the moment you come to terms everything works out, my phone was returned to me, via my aunt who found it on the trash can across our parking lot! I was pretty sure I had lost it in the parking lot, but I know for a fact I did not leave it on a random trash can. And I really don't care how he got there, I just care that he is home! And don't make fun when you see us out and he is hanging off of my belt loop on his new clip. I promised! I will say since his return our relationship has become even more unhealthy. I check on him constantly. I have to know where he is at all times. I don't leave him at home by himself anymore. I know I am smothering him and I am afraid soon he will start to resent me and disappear again, and then where will that leave me? When he isn't around I find myself thinking about the old days before him and his kind. Hearing a phone ring throughout the house. Being gone all day and coming home to messages on an answering machine. Not having to be exposed to blasts of "Toxic" by Brittany Spears coming from the girls purse next to me. Not being able to be found for a little while if you don't want to!
Aaahhhh... the good old days. Well I have to go now, I have original Ella Fitzgerald songs to download on to my i-pod, pictures from vacation to put on the laptop and long distance phone calls to make...
Monday, June 25, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
I am a TRIATHLETE!?!?
I have been going over and over it in my head "I am a triathlete" I can't quite wrap my brain around it yet. I have actually been trying to decide if I even get to actually call myself that. This was after all my first triathlon, and I did have to get off the bike twice and push it up what can only be described as a MOUNTAIN! But I did finish the race. I never stopped, even when I was pushing the bike instead of riding I was still moving and I crossed that finish line in 2 hours and 50 minutes after I started. And, I would like to point out that 13 of those minutes were "transition"minutes meaning drying off, changing and getting the bike after the swim and getting the bike back, drying off again and starting the run. So my unofficial time, not including transition time was 2:38:14... I like that number much better, I think that is actually my new favorite number, so be prepared the next time I am asked what my favorite number is for my answer to be 23814.
So let me tell you all about it from the beginning! Saturday morning we loaded Judy, Shannon and Don's bikes on to the bike rack on Mandy's car and headed out to the Expo center for our informational meeting. (Quick side note I feel it necessary to include the bike owner's names because Sadie, Mandy and I are so thankful to them for loaning us their bikes, we have practiced on those bikes, we have struggled with those bikes and we have now completed our first tri on those bikes, those bikes and their owners are very special to us!) Now, back to our story upon arriving at the expo center we are greeted by a line that begins at the door and loops through the parking lot. We make our way to the end of the line we are hot, we have to pee, we wonder why that girl is wearing heels and before we know it the lines starts to move, much to our delight pretty fast. Once we get a little bit closer we notice a list with each of the competitors names and what wave they will be going in, by swim cap color and time. We are in the LAST heat in the last wave! My mind flashes back to my goal list from the last blog (goal #6 not crossing the finish line with Sally Edwards which means you are the last athlete to finish!) I start to sweat, a little from the sun, more from the thought of coming in last!! Then before we know it we are in the Expo, booth after booth of everything from diamonds to sport jelly beans, which give you energy... yes we bought some... SUCKERS!! We get our packets, we activated our chips, we start to realize there is no backing out now! Why is any of this relevant to our story you may be wondering, because this race, in particular, is so much more than just the race it is about the event! The Danskin tri is the only all women's race! It was humbling and overwhelming seeing all of these women that we would be racing with, not competing against. This race is for EVERY woman, every age, every size, every stage in life! Everyone involved in making this race happen makes sure that the athletes feel comfortable, excited and supported! I know I can get a little emotional but I can honestly say that in our information meeting and Sally Edwards's speech following it I went through every major emotion! Fear, excitement, anxiety, happiness, joy, gratefulness, pride you name it we felt it! I will share with you two moments that were genuinely inspiring we had the pleasure of meeting the 79 year old woman who was racing with her daughter, as well as applauding Team Survivor which is made up entirely of cancer survivors! 100% of the race's proceeds goes to breast cancer research, which is just one more reason to get involved! So, after the course overview, and after fake vomiting on Sadie after hearing about the hills on the bike course we were ready to unload the bikes! We got to drive them up to the race site not really paying attention to the hills that got us there, which meant not getting to adequately warn our family members about how hard getting to this event was going to be on them! Once the bikes were in place, it was back home to get our last minute supplies, mass and carb loading! I will say that was one of my favorite parts of the pre race activities, thank you Grandma and Grandpa for Carraba's! The goal was to be in bed between 9:30-10:00 since we had to meet at Mandy's at 5:00 a.m. Of course we couldn't sleep so it really wasn't to hard getting up that early. I was so nervous even my family was awake all night! It was obviously still dark when we arrived at the Expo and boarded the "yellow dogs" to head up to the race site, which added a whole new element of having to use the port o' potty and locating our bikes. We got everything situated stripped down to our bathing suits and waited! The first wave started at 7:00 our wave started at 8:40. By this time we were actually pretty thankful for being in the last wave we figured less people to run us over from behind! We found our friend Robyn and her race buddy Barbara and decided we would get in the water to try it out. By they way, by the time we were dipping our feet in the water at 8:20 the winner was crossing the finish line, she was from the under 19 category! As we start to form the line I finally and thankfully see my family! I was getting pretty anxious they wouldn't make it, and I couldn't imagine leaving without seeing them. But all of a sudden I heard my name and my cousin Andie (wearing a shirt she made that said JANET IS MY HERO) and my Aunt Norma where there! Right behind them my mom, my Aunts Sue and Nise, my cousin Alejandro and my sister carrying the sign she made ( Si, se puede!) I knew I was ready now! We started to make our way down the boat ramp, we started our countdown, one last prayer, one last encouraging word to the women around us and then GOOOOOOO!!!! IT WAS AMAZING! It was like I was swimming on top of the water, there was little bumping but nothing serious, I hit a couple of people, but made sure to apologize, and 26 minutes later I was being yelled for by 20 people holding water noodles in an arch above me. My friend Judy among them, encouraging the loudest!! Then my family on the fence! I get to my bike I dry off, set out and about a quarter mile down the road see Grandma and Grandpa, get an "I love you, go Jani!" from them and smile all the way through the next 2 miles, and then the hills! There were 8 hills, some bigger than others, it was hot by now, I didn't have any water. Going down the hills was AMAZING, at one point Mandy said her odometer read 35mph! It felt like 100 mph! I couldn't stop smiling... then I got to the next hill!
At about mile 6 that no water thing started to wear on me, thank God for a volunteer who asked if I had stopped at a water stop and when I said "No, but it's okay" she rode next to me for half a mile sharing her water and her story with me, I thanked her profusely and started the last 6 miles. I know the hill that has affectionately been dubbed "the bitch" is still to come. I didn't make it, I will next year, mark my words! After two more grueling hills it is the finish! I rack my bike try to eat a granola bar grab Gatorade and head for the run! I get to the start and there is my family screaming and cheering me on while other racers look around to see what all the noise is! I start the 3 mile run, I walked most of it, okay, okay I actually only ran the downhills... IT WAS HOT!! I am pretty sure that is what it would feel like to run on the sun! I drank my Gatorade, I ate my energy jelly beans, I through water in my face and kept moving! I pass the mile markers and know I have to be close then I see my mom, my sister, my grandma, Sadie and Mandy and they start to walk with me to the finish. As I see the finish line, I can hear my family saying " You are doing great, the finish is right there!" I get a shooting pain in my stomach, I can't take a deep breath... and then I cross!! The announcer says my name and there is Judy, again! She is waiting at the finish line to put my medal around my neck, she hugs me... I am a triathlete. I see my Aunt Norma who was my motivation to do the race, she is crying and I quickly followed! HUGS, KISSES, PATS IN THE BACK, CONGRATULATIONS! Sadie and Mandy are there! Sadie not only doesn't beat me up, she lifts my exhausted head to make sure I am looking her in the eye and she says "Thank you for talking me into doing this!"
On one side of our medal it says:
2007 Danskin Women's triathlon Series .75SWIM 20KBIKE 5KRUN
on the other side:
"THE WOMAN WHO STARTS THE RACE IS NOT THE SAME WOMAN WHO FINISHES THE RACE."
How right you are Danskin medal, how right you are!
So let me tell you all about it from the beginning! Saturday morning we loaded Judy, Shannon and Don's bikes on to the bike rack on Mandy's car and headed out to the Expo center for our informational meeting. (Quick side note I feel it necessary to include the bike owner's names because Sadie, Mandy and I are so thankful to them for loaning us their bikes, we have practiced on those bikes, we have struggled with those bikes and we have now completed our first tri on those bikes, those bikes and their owners are very special to us!) Now, back to our story upon arriving at the expo center we are greeted by a line that begins at the door and loops through the parking lot. We make our way to the end of the line we are hot, we have to pee, we wonder why that girl is wearing heels and before we know it the lines starts to move, much to our delight pretty fast. Once we get a little bit closer we notice a list with each of the competitors names and what wave they will be going in, by swim cap color and time. We are in the LAST heat in the last wave! My mind flashes back to my goal list from the last blog (goal #6 not crossing the finish line with Sally Edwards which means you are the last athlete to finish!) I start to sweat, a little from the sun, more from the thought of coming in last!! Then before we know it we are in the Expo, booth after booth of everything from diamonds to sport jelly beans, which give you energy... yes we bought some... SUCKERS!! We get our packets, we activated our chips, we start to realize there is no backing out now! Why is any of this relevant to our story you may be wondering, because this race, in particular, is so much more than just the race it is about the event! The Danskin tri is the only all women's race! It was humbling and overwhelming seeing all of these women that we would be racing with, not competing against. This race is for EVERY woman, every age, every size, every stage in life! Everyone involved in making this race happen makes sure that the athletes feel comfortable, excited and supported! I know I can get a little emotional but I can honestly say that in our information meeting and Sally Edwards's speech following it I went through every major emotion! Fear, excitement, anxiety, happiness, joy, gratefulness, pride you name it we felt it! I will share with you two moments that were genuinely inspiring we had the pleasure of meeting the 79 year old woman who was racing with her daughter, as well as applauding Team Survivor which is made up entirely of cancer survivors! 100% of the race's proceeds goes to breast cancer research, which is just one more reason to get involved! So, after the course overview, and after fake vomiting on Sadie after hearing about the hills on the bike course we were ready to unload the bikes! We got to drive them up to the race site not really paying attention to the hills that got us there, which meant not getting to adequately warn our family members about how hard getting to this event was going to be on them! Once the bikes were in place, it was back home to get our last minute supplies, mass and carb loading! I will say that was one of my favorite parts of the pre race activities, thank you Grandma and Grandpa for Carraba's! The goal was to be in bed between 9:30-10:00 since we had to meet at Mandy's at 5:00 a.m. Of course we couldn't sleep so it really wasn't to hard getting up that early. I was so nervous even my family was awake all night! It was obviously still dark when we arrived at the Expo and boarded the "yellow dogs" to head up to the race site, which added a whole new element of having to use the port o' potty and locating our bikes. We got everything situated stripped down to our bathing suits and waited! The first wave started at 7:00 our wave started at 8:40. By this time we were actually pretty thankful for being in the last wave we figured less people to run us over from behind! We found our friend Robyn and her race buddy Barbara and decided we would get in the water to try it out. By they way, by the time we were dipping our feet in the water at 8:20 the winner was crossing the finish line, she was from the under 19 category! As we start to form the line I finally and thankfully see my family! I was getting pretty anxious they wouldn't make it, and I couldn't imagine leaving without seeing them. But all of a sudden I heard my name and my cousin Andie (wearing a shirt she made that said JANET IS MY HERO) and my Aunt Norma where there! Right behind them my mom, my Aunts Sue and Nise, my cousin Alejandro and my sister carrying the sign she made ( Si, se puede!) I knew I was ready now! We started to make our way down the boat ramp, we started our countdown, one last prayer, one last encouraging word to the women around us and then GOOOOOOO!!!! IT WAS AMAZING! It was like I was swimming on top of the water, there was little bumping but nothing serious, I hit a couple of people, but made sure to apologize, and 26 minutes later I was being yelled for by 20 people holding water noodles in an arch above me. My friend Judy among them, encouraging the loudest!! Then my family on the fence! I get to my bike I dry off, set out and about a quarter mile down the road see Grandma and Grandpa, get an "I love you, go Jani!" from them and smile all the way through the next 2 miles, and then the hills! There were 8 hills, some bigger than others, it was hot by now, I didn't have any water. Going down the hills was AMAZING, at one point Mandy said her odometer read 35mph! It felt like 100 mph! I couldn't stop smiling... then I got to the next hill!
At about mile 6 that no water thing started to wear on me, thank God for a volunteer who asked if I had stopped at a water stop and when I said "No, but it's okay" she rode next to me for half a mile sharing her water and her story with me, I thanked her profusely and started the last 6 miles. I know the hill that has affectionately been dubbed "the bitch" is still to come. I didn't make it, I will next year, mark my words! After two more grueling hills it is the finish! I rack my bike try to eat a granola bar grab Gatorade and head for the run! I get to the start and there is my family screaming and cheering me on while other racers look around to see what all the noise is! I start the 3 mile run, I walked most of it, okay, okay I actually only ran the downhills... IT WAS HOT!! I am pretty sure that is what it would feel like to run on the sun! I drank my Gatorade, I ate my energy jelly beans, I through water in my face and kept moving! I pass the mile markers and know I have to be close then I see my mom, my sister, my grandma, Sadie and Mandy and they start to walk with me to the finish. As I see the finish line, I can hear my family saying " You are doing great, the finish is right there!" I get a shooting pain in my stomach, I can't take a deep breath... and then I cross!! The announcer says my name and there is Judy, again! She is waiting at the finish line to put my medal around my neck, she hugs me... I am a triathlete. I see my Aunt Norma who was my motivation to do the race, she is crying and I quickly followed! HUGS, KISSES, PATS IN THE BACK, CONGRATULATIONS! Sadie and Mandy are there! Sadie not only doesn't beat me up, she lifts my exhausted head to make sure I am looking her in the eye and she says "Thank you for talking me into doing this!"
On one side of our medal it says:
2007 Danskin Women's triathlon Series .75SWIM 20KBIKE 5KRUN
on the other side:
"THE WOMAN WHO STARTS THE RACE IS NOT THE SAME WOMAN WHO FINISHES THE RACE."
How right you are Danskin medal, how right you are!
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Danskin!
Sunday June 10, myself and 999 other woman from around Texas (including Sadie and Mandy) will be participating in the Danskin Triathlon! The Danskin is a sprint tri which means we will be swimming 1/2 a mile, biking 12 miles and running 3 miles. At least that is the goal! I will be honest I am not a runner so I have yet to run the full three miles after the 12 miles of bike, I am thinking that will be a goal for next year's race! My personal goal for this year's race and my mantra is "just finish" I know, I know not very creative but that is it! I have other smaller, but equally as important goals which are best relayed in an itemized list:
#1 Not having to use a Skid-O can because of nervous tummy... GROSS!!
#2 Not throwing up on other race participants or in the areas in which they are competing... i.e. the lake, their bike, the run trail
#3 Not swallowing anything during the swim that at one point might have been swimming/floating next to me
#4 Not having to push the bike up the "hill from hell"
#5 Not turning part of the race trail into a transition area by stopping on it to rest, pant, try and see straight..
#6 Not crossing the finish lines with Sally Edwards ( the Amazing Sally Edwards is always the last person to cross the finish line at Danskin, so no one technically finishes last)
#7 Not needing a swim angel, paramedic or my mommy at any point during the race, after is fine, just not during
#8 Not having to be pushed, dragged or driven in a golf cart across the finish line
#9 Not ever wondering " Why the HELL did I want to do this"
#10 Not needing my insurance card for anything that might happen before, during or after the race for instance having a tooth kicked out during the swim, breaking something after rolling down the "hill from hell", needing stitches or a cast of some sort after Sadie beats the crap out of me for talking her into this.
I say most of these in jest, for the past month Sadie and Mandy and I have completed if not exceeded the race requirements in our training workouts, which at times has made me wonder why I paid $80 just to do it at Decker Lake! And then I remember the first Danskin I watched with my aunt Norma competing and being so proud of her and motivated by her. I think about just being able to go running with my sister, and my 16 year old cousin telling me how proud of me she is, and how she wants to do it next year. I think about riding bikes, swimming and running with my two best friends and wanting so badly for them to do well and feel good about their accomplishment, and knowing they feel the same about me. I think about my sweet friend Meredith who has not let one conversation in the last four months end before she tells me how proud of me she is. I think about Judy and Shannon who have been so gracious in sharing their time to help us prepare, knowledge of the race and in loaning us their bikes, helmets, even down to bike shorts! And I think about my beautiful, loving, family being at the finish line like they always are when I have accomplished a goal. Then I think what a bargain, all of that for just $80...
#1 Not having to use a Skid-O can because of nervous tummy... GROSS!!
#2 Not throwing up on other race participants or in the areas in which they are competing... i.e. the lake, their bike, the run trail
#3 Not swallowing anything during the swim that at one point might have been swimming/floating next to me
#4 Not having to push the bike up the "hill from hell"
#5 Not turning part of the race trail into a transition area by stopping on it to rest, pant, try and see straight..
#6 Not crossing the finish lines with Sally Edwards ( the Amazing Sally Edwards is always the last person to cross the finish line at Danskin, so no one technically finishes last)
#7 Not needing a swim angel, paramedic or my mommy at any point during the race, after is fine, just not during
#8 Not having to be pushed, dragged or driven in a golf cart across the finish line
#9 Not ever wondering " Why the HELL did I want to do this"
#10 Not needing my insurance card for anything that might happen before, during or after the race for instance having a tooth kicked out during the swim, breaking something after rolling down the "hill from hell", needing stitches or a cast of some sort after Sadie beats the crap out of me for talking her into this.
I say most of these in jest, for the past month Sadie and Mandy and I have completed if not exceeded the race requirements in our training workouts, which at times has made me wonder why I paid $80 just to do it at Decker Lake! And then I remember the first Danskin I watched with my aunt Norma competing and being so proud of her and motivated by her. I think about just being able to go running with my sister, and my 16 year old cousin telling me how proud of me she is, and how she wants to do it next year. I think about riding bikes, swimming and running with my two best friends and wanting so badly for them to do well and feel good about their accomplishment, and knowing they feel the same about me. I think about my sweet friend Meredith who has not let one conversation in the last four months end before she tells me how proud of me she is. I think about Judy and Shannon who have been so gracious in sharing their time to help us prepare, knowledge of the race and in loaning us their bikes, helmets, even down to bike shorts! And I think about my beautiful, loving, family being at the finish line like they always are when I have accomplished a goal. Then I think what a bargain, all of that for just $80...
Monday, June 4, 2007
Rationalizing irrational fears
Irrational Fears... we all have them, those things that for some inexplicable reason we are terrified of. Those things that are most likely harmless, or equally as dangerous as something else we are not afraid of at all.
I have a great example; I walked into my office building one morning to find the HR assistant, a usually pretty laid back for the most part normal gal, standing outside the office door shaking. I said " Paula are you okay?" and in a voice barely above a whisper with her eyes squeezed shut and a white knuckled grip on the door handle she says "He's in there!" My mind starts to race, I look at the terror on her face and start to think who is he? A burglar? A serial killer? In a split second I am reaching for my cell phone and my Juniper Breeze body splash, the first to call 911 with, the second to spray in the eyes of the would be attacker should "he" come out the door. In the next second I hear an insect type chirping noise followed instantly by a girlie squeal. I look down and notice something crawling out from under the door Paula screams, points to the creature and yells "There he is, there he is" I look down and see a cricket. "The cricket is the He?" I say, she nods her head yes and yells "HE's coming towards me?" As soon as I grasp the root of the fear I laugh and return my fragrant weapon of choice to my purse. I giggle at the fearful as well as the cause of the fear, which is fine because Paula can't see me laughing at her, she is still stuck in her cricket nightmare. As she opens her eyes I step on the harmless bug, gently unwrap her death grip on the door knob and proceed into the office.
Now, before you judge me for making fun of this poor girl I will air my dirty irrational fear laundry... if you will!
Side note: If you don't have an irrational fear you got lucky! And I probably got yours, as you will see by the itemized list in numerical order below.
Irrational Fear #1 Mice
Rationalization: This particular fear is hereditary. Both my sister and I suffer from it and we got it from our mother who got it from her father.
I can not handle mice! I am cringing and gagging just writing this! They carry diseases, they have no bones, they can squeeze themselves into any sized space no matter how small! That's not natural! I don't even like anything mouse looking... they are the reason I refuse to float the river, fun in the sun as it may be there are ROUS'S (Rodents Of Unusual Size for those of you less versed in movie lines) that live in the river! I want to be the only thing with hair in my tube! And I figure I don't want them in my house I will stay out of there's. I think that is a fair enough compromise. If you have the misfortune of seeing one this summer as you are floating down the Guadalupe let him no why I'm not there!
Irrational Fear #2 Driving in the rain
Rationalization:I feel this fear is actually quite rational, however my extreme fear of it makes it (and me) irrational. I can't do it. I can not drive in the rain. I actually prefer not to drive in any sort of inclement weather, high winds, snow, earthquakes... whatever. But, rain that is the one that really gets me! I am the "people" that you all talk about when you say " People in Austin can't drive in the rain" I panic,I start to sweat, I get shaky, I have even been known to resort to positive talk ( "Jan, you can do this" " You're fine, Jan" " Buck up little soldier") I have convinced myself that if I switch lanes I am going to slide off the road. If I am going down a hill I think I wont be able to stop, I picture myself pumping my breaks with no response like in a mob movie someone cut the breaks hit sort of way. I should get a therapist! Or a driver!
Irrational Fear #3 Heights
Rationalization:This is actually one of my more manageable irrationals. I am okay if I am looking out the window of a tall building, I am not okay if I am looking over Lake Travis from a cliff ( if you were there, still sorry about that one, friends) This irrational actually only manifests itself on roller coasters and the like. I am fine on the roller coasters and water rides that are enclosed. If I can't see the ground rushing at me, and I am not eye level with the cars on the highway overpass bring on the slow crawl upward followed by the stomach dropping fall!
Irrational Fear #4 Crowds
Rationalization: Okay, if you want to shut me up, put me in the middle of a large crowd. Some of you have experienced this with me, it isn't that I am not enjoying the show or whatever crowd drawing even it might be, I am just anxious!! Concerts, really crowded bar, an over packed public transportation vehicle... ohhhh, forget it! My most recent example Chinatown in San Francisco on Chinese New Year. You all know no one loves the Asian's more than this gal, I was pumped about Chinese New Year in Chinatown. It was, after all the year of the golden pig, but the streets were packed for miles, there was no relief in sight! I am getting all worked up again, just typing about it!
Irrational Fear #5 I will never match the success of the Music is the universal language blog
Passive Aggressiveness:That is actually less of a personal fear and more of way of guilting you to share your own irrational fears!!
Come on, no fear is to irrational, no rationalization will make the fear rational, so tell me what your's is!
p.s No Paula's were hurt in the posting of this blog.
I have a great example; I walked into my office building one morning to find the HR assistant, a usually pretty laid back for the most part normal gal, standing outside the office door shaking. I said " Paula are you okay?" and in a voice barely above a whisper with her eyes squeezed shut and a white knuckled grip on the door handle she says "He's in there!" My mind starts to race, I look at the terror on her face and start to think who is he? A burglar? A serial killer? In a split second I am reaching for my cell phone and my Juniper Breeze body splash, the first to call 911 with, the second to spray in the eyes of the would be attacker should "he" come out the door. In the next second I hear an insect type chirping noise followed instantly by a girlie squeal. I look down and notice something crawling out from under the door Paula screams, points to the creature and yells "There he is, there he is" I look down and see a cricket. "The cricket is the He?" I say, she nods her head yes and yells "HE's coming towards me?" As soon as I grasp the root of the fear I laugh and return my fragrant weapon of choice to my purse. I giggle at the fearful as well as the cause of the fear, which is fine because Paula can't see me laughing at her, she is still stuck in her cricket nightmare. As she opens her eyes I step on the harmless bug, gently unwrap her death grip on the door knob and proceed into the office.
Now, before you judge me for making fun of this poor girl I will air my dirty irrational fear laundry... if you will!
Side note: If you don't have an irrational fear you got lucky! And I probably got yours, as you will see by the itemized list in numerical order below.
Irrational Fear #1 Mice
Rationalization: This particular fear is hereditary. Both my sister and I suffer from it and we got it from our mother who got it from her father.
I can not handle mice! I am cringing and gagging just writing this! They carry diseases, they have no bones, they can squeeze themselves into any sized space no matter how small! That's not natural! I don't even like anything mouse looking... they are the reason I refuse to float the river, fun in the sun as it may be there are ROUS'S (Rodents Of Unusual Size for those of you less versed in movie lines) that live in the river! I want to be the only thing with hair in my tube! And I figure I don't want them in my house I will stay out of there's. I think that is a fair enough compromise. If you have the misfortune of seeing one this summer as you are floating down the Guadalupe let him no why I'm not there!
Irrational Fear #2 Driving in the rain
Rationalization:I feel this fear is actually quite rational, however my extreme fear of it makes it (and me) irrational. I can't do it. I can not drive in the rain. I actually prefer not to drive in any sort of inclement weather, high winds, snow, earthquakes... whatever. But, rain that is the one that really gets me! I am the "people" that you all talk about when you say " People in Austin can't drive in the rain" I panic,I start to sweat, I get shaky, I have even been known to resort to positive talk ( "Jan, you can do this" " You're fine, Jan" " Buck up little soldier") I have convinced myself that if I switch lanes I am going to slide off the road. If I am going down a hill I think I wont be able to stop, I picture myself pumping my breaks with no response like in a mob movie someone cut the breaks hit sort of way. I should get a therapist! Or a driver!
Irrational Fear #3 Heights
Rationalization:This is actually one of my more manageable irrationals. I am okay if I am looking out the window of a tall building, I am not okay if I am looking over Lake Travis from a cliff ( if you were there, still sorry about that one, friends) This irrational actually only manifests itself on roller coasters and the like. I am fine on the roller coasters and water rides that are enclosed. If I can't see the ground rushing at me, and I am not eye level with the cars on the highway overpass bring on the slow crawl upward followed by the stomach dropping fall!
Irrational Fear #4 Crowds
Rationalization: Okay, if you want to shut me up, put me in the middle of a large crowd. Some of you have experienced this with me, it isn't that I am not enjoying the show or whatever crowd drawing even it might be, I am just anxious!! Concerts, really crowded bar, an over packed public transportation vehicle... ohhhh, forget it! My most recent example Chinatown in San Francisco on Chinese New Year. You all know no one loves the Asian's more than this gal, I was pumped about Chinese New Year in Chinatown. It was, after all the year of the golden pig, but the streets were packed for miles, there was no relief in sight! I am getting all worked up again, just typing about it!
Irrational Fear #5 I will never match the success of the Music is the universal language blog
Passive Aggressiveness:That is actually less of a personal fear and more of way of guilting you to share your own irrational fears!!
Come on, no fear is to irrational, no rationalization will make the fear rational, so tell me what your's is!
p.s No Paula's were hurt in the posting of this blog.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Happy Birthday, Mom
Today is my mom's birthday and I would like create what can only be referred to as an homage (something that shows respect or attests to the worth or influence of another age) to her. I included the definition of homage because while I do want to show respect for the countless lessons she has patiently and painstakingly taught me, she is hardly of another age. Mom and I are only 17 years apart in age which provided both perks and pits growing up. Example perk I didn't have to beg to watch MTV, we watched it together. Example pit we fought over the same albums and tapes! And as much as I would like to think of us as the Mexican Gilmore Girls, when I look back on it now my mom didn't try to be my best friend, she was always my mom. She was strict without being suffocating, she was fun while being responsible, she was a single parent, a minority woman and I am anything but a statistic because of her example of hard work, devotion and support!
To this day with one word my mother can make all of my fears, pain, and hesitation disappear, whether it be from a phone call home, or something she once said. Daily I think about things she has said when I am faced with certain decisions or just down in the dumps. Once when I was feeling particularly loathsome mom wanted to remind me of how good I had it and she said "If you were to put a bunch of people in a room and have every person put their biggest problem in a hat, and you got to choose the problem you wanted, 9 times out 10 you would want your own problem back" In that one phrase my mom taught me how to put thing into perspective when I am sad and how to be empathetic to the struggle of others. And even though I am an adult now there are still things that are a little crazy but sound fun, that is when I think of her saying "If you wouldn't do it with me there, then don't do it" I swear that one phrase has kept me from bad boys, tattoos and drugs, I have mom to thank for my unbroken heart, my clean skin and my career! She taught me things about respecting other people's property when she would have me apologize to her plant after slapping their leaves as I walked past them. She taught me about financial responsibility when this single mother of two, with no college education, met everyone of our basic food, shelter and clothing needs, and most of our toys, clothes and car wants. She taught me faithfulness when we up got for church in the morning and celebrated the sacraments together. She taught me the value of family when we would drive hours just to spend what felt like minutes with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. She taught me friendship by filling our lives with people to love and laugh with.
The more I type the more I realize there are no sufficient words to describe all that this woman is to me.
Her love unconditional, her support unwavering, her humor unparalleled, our bond unbreakable. Happy Birthday Mom, you are my most blessed treasure.
To this day with one word my mother can make all of my fears, pain, and hesitation disappear, whether it be from a phone call home, or something she once said. Daily I think about things she has said when I am faced with certain decisions or just down in the dumps. Once when I was feeling particularly loathsome mom wanted to remind me of how good I had it and she said "If you were to put a bunch of people in a room and have every person put their biggest problem in a hat, and you got to choose the problem you wanted, 9 times out 10 you would want your own problem back" In that one phrase my mom taught me how to put thing into perspective when I am sad and how to be empathetic to the struggle of others. And even though I am an adult now there are still things that are a little crazy but sound fun, that is when I think of her saying "If you wouldn't do it with me there, then don't do it" I swear that one phrase has kept me from bad boys, tattoos and drugs, I have mom to thank for my unbroken heart, my clean skin and my career! She taught me things about respecting other people's property when she would have me apologize to her plant after slapping their leaves as I walked past them. She taught me about financial responsibility when this single mother of two, with no college education, met everyone of our basic food, shelter and clothing needs, and most of our toys, clothes and car wants. She taught me faithfulness when we up got for church in the morning and celebrated the sacraments together. She taught me the value of family when we would drive hours just to spend what felt like minutes with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. She taught me friendship by filling our lives with people to love and laugh with.
The more I type the more I realize there are no sufficient words to describe all that this woman is to me.
Her love unconditional, her support unwavering, her humor unparalleled, our bond unbreakable. Happy Birthday Mom, you are my most blessed treasure.
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